Where Is the Locus Of Worth?

An external locus of worth is computationally wasteful. So much of our inner compute is caught up in how we are perceived, in what makes us worthy of the perception we wish to have of ourselves. It all amounts to finding ways to earn OUR OWN love. When these conditions are satisfied, we are with ourselves; we are happy to be embodying our consciousness. When they aren’t, we abandon our embodiment. Awareness dissociates from present moment experience. We accrue shame, guilt, disappointment and a feeling of not being worth anything, because I haven’t earned feeling worthy. And this shame becomes evidence for the next round of being turned against oneself — more reason to abandon this body. So we spend all our internal compute figuring out how to be and how not to be to satisfy perceptual conditions, instead of fully being and embodying what it feels RIGHT for our Self to be.

I might meander a lot here, but here’s what I’m trying to say:

If I depend on anything in my external, physical reality to give me reasons to accept myself as I am, the safety of my connection to myself becomes dependent on parameters that are constantly subject to change. These parameters are held or created by phenomena that either do not understand me or want nothing to do with me. If I’m honest with myself, this is not aligned with the functioning of physical reality. I have made my relationship with myself contingent on a system that repeatedly shows me it cannot give me the exact conditions I need from it for my stability. It has no stability, permanence or some sense of established flat ground in itself. Empirically speaking, it is incapable of providing stability.

I stay ignorant of the unceasing broadcast of this message, and my cognitive resources stay locked up in obsessively manipulating thought forms derived from external reality, gatekeeping consciousness from fully entering a body. These thought forms also set conditions for whether the current state of my Self body may or may not be worthy of associating with, depending on the equations being satisfied. It’s as if there is a current of my Self trying to move through the circuits in my body, but there is tremendous resistance caught up in if-else code: “if worthy based on this person’s opinion”, “if good enough in so and so way”, “if perfect in this regard”. The current can only move through fully if these if-else’s deem me perfectly worthy of being aware of the total state of my being. Every judgement is a switch which controls the passing of current – we are a collection of consciousness routing logic gates. They function as they’re programmed, but they function to shut off more awareness-consciousness-spirit current than necessary.

I am always clawing at being present in my body against a barrage of thoughts which keep screaming that I have not met external dependencies. They say: BEFORE THAT, I am NOT allowed to love and be present with myself.

This is all wasted compute, made up more of resistance than current.

The processes which keep me alive: breathing, heart beating, skin covering, muscles rippling, bones hardening; they were all active the whole time I was writing, and the whole time I was trying to earn the right to exist — the body is not as solid as it seems.Sensation and present moment experience is ALWAYS here, regardless of my thoughts about my worthiness to experience them, or whether I like their content or not. I am here because I AM HERE. My sensory experience is, my beingness in this physical world is, unconditionally.

I am loved by my most atomic Self, which is here unconditionally experiencing even my hatred and dislike for myself. The embodied personality made up of thought forms, opinions and histories may have experiences of wrongness and blameworthiness, but the Observer Who Is My True Self is metaphysically incapable of experiencing judgement from its own side. All it can do is Be, See and Experience. At the most unchanging, stable layer of myself, I am incapable of not loving myself - the only love that layer knows is the giving of attention.

Maybe we reframe “unconditional love” and “self-love” to mean allowing the current of my consciousness to move through my present moment experience WITHOUT resistance — without believing that some measurements must be met in order for me to fully see myself and be in this present sensory moment.

This self-same current of Being has moved through the circuits of my mother, my father, my planet, my water, everything that is precious to me and everything I wish didn’t exist. It is moving through me just for this moment, animating this personality. It holds no biases about going through all the tunnels of myself, as long as thought forms don’t redirect it or block it off from going down a path into me. And maybe contentment is the full flow of this current through this maze, through every path in the circuit closing. Your phone only boots up fully once the circuit is complete (:

I am worthy of fully experiencing this moment in this body, regardless of what this body has done or who this personality thinks it is. It has never done anything that should not be observed and studied for what it is. I am here because I am here.

I am loved by myself. This embodied personality may have experiences of wrongness and blameworthiness, but the Observer Who Is My True Self is never unworthy of experiencing the present moment — even when it is in a body-mind whose beliefs are gated against reflecting on the system they belong to.

All of that to say I can flow through myself and anything which tells me I cannot is: misinformed, hurting, or both. :)